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7.02.2004

 

The News Round-Up


Man! Is it July ALREADY? It's been a long while since I've done a "Round-Up." So, as we head into the 4th of July weekend, how about a slightly bent look at recent news, provided by yours truly (with the occasional barb thrown in for good measure).

THOSE CRAZY NEIGHBORS TO OUR NORTH:
News Item: "Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin and his Liberal Party survived a strong Conservative challenge on Monday."Canadians voted with antiquated paper ballots, which are simple to use, easy to count and can be recounted, if necessary.

As opposed to such technologically advanced voting as you will find in the United States, including touch-screen computer ballots, which can malfunction, are vulnerable to hackers and leave no paper trail for a recount, if necessary.

Aren't you happy you don't have to live in a backward nation like Canada?


THE GREATEST GENERATION:
News Item: Voter turnout among 18- to 24-year-olds remains lowest of any age group.
News Item: A 74-year-old man in Mooresville, Ind., thought to be suffering a stroke, insists on stopping to vote in the state primary on the way to the hospital.

Note to the current generation: Take a moment and think about this man.

OK. You can go back to MTV now.


QUAGMIRE, SHWAGMIRE:
News Headline: "U.S. transfers power in Iraq."

Making this now a civil war we are involved in.

RICHARD HATCH, MEET RICHARD CHENEY:
News Headline: "Study: Crude language up on reality shows."
News Headline: "Vice President Cheney uses 'F word' in Senate."

We sometimes forget that C-SPAN invented the TV reality show.

OR ELSE!:
News Item: "Saudi Arabia gives militants 30 days to surrender."

Come out with your hands up! You have 30 days! C'mon! We're not kidding around!

THE REAGAN LEGACY, REDUX:
News Item (1981): "The federal government, in major new changes for the nation's school-lunch program, wants to call ketchup a vegetable."
News Item (2004): "Batter-coated french fries are a fresh vegetable, according to the Bush administration."

Perhaps next the Twinkie in the White House will notice that an actual Twinkie vaguely resembles a piece of fruit...you know...sort of like a banana...at least from a distance?


IN SEARCH OF WMD:
News Headline: "Al-Qaeda threatens summer attacks."
News Headline: "Al-Qaeda claims killing of American."

Why is there still an al-Qaida? Why haven't we managed to wipe it pretty much off the face of the earth by now?

Wait. Sorry. Keep forgetting.

But at least we have Sadaam. You know? The man who had weapons of mass...well...you get the idea.


SUPERMARKET TABLOID HEADLINE OF THE WEEK: "Eskimos Join War on Terror!"

COMING TO A HEAD:
Fair Warning: There are 152 days remaining until the 2004 World Toilet Summit in Beijing.

PUCKERING UP:
News Item: Martha Stewart will teach housekeeping to the poor.

As she tries to impress the sentencing judge.

SPAM, THAT'S GOOD!: Two more days until National Canned Luncheon Meat Week.

HOW WILL YOU CELEBRATE?: Two more days until National Nude Recreation Week!

FRIDAY BIRTHDAYS: "Hound Dog," 48; Cheryl Ladd, 53; Imelda Marcos, 132

REPUBLICAN SUPER TUESDAY:
BIRTHDAYS THIS TUESDAY: The Republican Party, 150 (And as antiquated as ever.); Nancy Reagan, 83; Merv Griffin, 144; President Bush, 58

It wouldn't be SO bad if the 6th didn't also include my birthday! (UGH!)


GIRRRRRL!:
Finally, your Bush-ism of the week: Dubya on a recent swing through Nashville: "I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He's doing a heck of a job. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."

Have a safe 4th of July weekend, everyone!


7.01.2004

 

Slogans 4 Bush


A hilarious website (hat tip, Kim).


6.30.2004

 

Dick Cheney is a big time asshole.


Just back from vacation and am swamped at work. LOTS to catch up, but for now let me declare...

The Vice-President of the United States should go fuck his own damn self!


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